Harry W. Gobler

The Love of My Life

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Harry died on October 1st, 2020, victim of a particularly nasty and aggressive cancer that caused him considerable pain for many months. Despite assurances from Hospice that they were there to dispense "comfort", even massive doses of  multiple opioids did little to reduce the intense pain Harry was experiencing in the tumors.

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Cancer

Harry had 2 cancer surgeries last year after which health issues inhibited his ability to do radiology or chemotherapy. A biopsy in April 2020 confirmed that the cancer was back (had never left) and was growing fast. Immunotherapy had recently been approved by the FDA for treatment of this type of "head and neck" cancer. We understood that immunotherapy was much slower to produce results than chemo, but chemo was not a good option for anyone with kidney problems. If this had worked, we might have been able to make our 40th anniversary in May 2021.

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Throughout his cancer ordeal that spanned about 18 months, Harry tried to live – for me, not for himself. Near the end, when he enrolled in Hospice and looked so despondent hearing everyone around him talk about his illness and his certain near-term death, I tried to focus him on the fact that although yes, he would die, it didn’t seem likely that it would be “tomorrow” so we needed to try to focus on life. As it turned out, there really wasn't as much time as I had hoped, nor was it anywhere nearly the quality for which we had both hoped. Harry died six weeks and two days after enrolling in Hospice.

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COVID-19

The day before Harry's 82nd birthday, California's governor ordered a statewide shutdown to slow the spread of the virus.  The medical profession had already been preparing for the worst but the statewide shutdown had the effect of diverting nearly all medical resources towards the virus. It took several weeks to schedule a biopsy and another week to conduct a PET scan. The scan seemed positive in that the cancer appeared contained within 2 areas - on his neck and under his left arm. If successful, immunotherapy could potentially extend his life for another year or more.

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Infusion #1 was administered on June 15th. Because of COVID-19, I was not able to accompany Harry on his infusions, nor could I accompany him to his lab tests. By the 3rd infusion (6 weeks later), the tumors were visibly larger. A second PET scan confirmed that the cancer was now "much worse." After conferring with multiple members of his medical team, on August 18th Harry enrolled in Hospice.

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Were it not for COVID-19, we would have considered getting Harry admitted to a 24 hour care facility. However, we would only do that if I could stay with him and with COVID-19, that was not an option. The prospect of needing to leave him somewhere and to not be with him while he was going through this ordeal was unacceptable so we kept him at home. This choice made it difficult for him to access certain types of services. In particular, Harry's cancer inhibited his ability to swallow. In a better world, he would have been able to receive his medications intravenously. Because of COVID-19 and the fact that we were administering his meds at home, an IV was not available to him. 

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When Harry passed, I was both sad and glad - sad that he was gone and and that he would no longer be able to make me laugh, but glad that he was finally out of the cancer pain. It was far from what we both wanted - Harry told everyone he spoke with before he died that he had had a great life and a wonderful career and didn't want to die "ugly." I am deeply saddened that we couldn't give him the peaceful passing for which we both had fervently hoped and promised to tell his story in hopes that we can all learn how to better help our loved ones find peace and comfort in the future.

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But that's a story for another day. Today, I just want to share memories from friends and family of the lovely man that was my partner for more than 40 years.

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Harry Wolkin Gobler

- Born March 20, 1938

- Loving husband, talented engineer, dedicated supporter of non-profit organizations

- Lost his battle with head/neck cancer on October 1, 2020​